• lots of classes today, 8 am to 12:30, then 2-5 lab, then 5-6 discussion
• entropy mid-autumn festival performance
• really tired, sleepy, not feeling great
• found out i got a 65 on physics class in econ and started crying IN class. crazy
• dry retched at lunch a lot and on the way back from dance
• started coughing more again after a mostly cough free morning
• couldn’t understand how to do the lab for a solid hour and still don’t really know what i’m doing. feels like a lot of the time i don’t understand what’s going on in class and always have to rely on other people to help me out. never good at figuring out things on my own. i think i’ve been like that a lot since high school. part of me is scared that i’ll never make it on my own bc i always have to ask other people for help. got the same feedback from people at my internship abt this also.
• can’t calculate things right and also clearly can’t bubble right either because my dumbass fucking bubbled the wrong answer on the EASIEST question on the test. it was literally a free question. like. i swear no one missed that question.
• emailed the prof abt it and i did just misbubble. cried after finding out that i cant even bubble right. he did say that he will keep this in account and not drop me a letter grade if im between the two letter grades which is nice of him
  • tong said that i need to get better and not be sick and thats why im making these mistakes bc she said she felt like really bad today bc she was sick. maybe shes right
• always can’t do problems on my own. always have to ask other people for help.
  • couldn’t understand what was going on in discussion today at all, not at all. literally couldnt
  • and the ta didn’t explain things right he did the problem wrong twice also and was giving a stupid explanation
  • then i tried to ask him for help explaining one exam question and asking why my method didn’t work and he first just said i was wrong. like okay i know…..i know….im wrong but im wondering WHY. and then he was just like oh. probably bc theyre just not equal. like. ok.
  • people in my discussion weren’t upset abt their failing grade though which made me think if i should stop being so dramatic
• entropy performance was fun but lowkey very scuffed, not amazing but glad i went and performed it one last time with my group
  • sad that i didn’t make any more connections this time. kind of the same as last year last year i made no friends in the group bc they all knew each other, but this time even though everyone was nicer and i also knew people, i still didn’t get closer or meet any new friends. i was sick and tired and never in the energy to be extroverted
• cried for a really really long time at aaron’s place. really sorry i put him thru that. he has a way wiht his words that kind of just send me into tears these days. i asked him if i made him sad and he said yes and that made me sadder because i like to think that im usually a pretty happy person but recently all ive been is just sad. and i keep forgetting that i also rub off of the people around me so my negative attitude and mood is not good to the people i love and care abt. and hurts them also. and ive been selfish and just thinking abt myself and never caring abt how they feel
• aaron made food for me yesterday for dinner and also made food with me today and came to watch me perform and also comforted me for a hour while i cried. but i havent been doing anything in return for him and cant even try to act happier sometimes for him.
• really want to try to be happier and less stressed and more carefree. especially in front of aaron i want to keep up a strong front but it’s kind of hard and i struggle
• lol am crying again!
• started stressing about internships because tong and tanya were talking about it but i also feel like i just shouldn’t because i also have something to go back to. just i dont think i would like it there and i would be locked in forever to that place. but maybe shouldn’t complain to them either bc they probably think i already have smth so i shouldn’t be stressed
• think i might finally call my mom and come clean and tell her whats been going on. but scared to hear her reaction and what she’ll say. not sure if she’ll be supportive
• i think i used to look down on people being depressed a lot and judge them a lot, esp my mom bc she was depressed for a while. but i think that was just really hypocritical of me to do bc its a real thing and i have no right to be judgemental
• cried on the bus back from discussion i think? and on the bus back from econ, both times the bus was so full and it made it even worse. i think i rem on the walk to the bus stop i wondered if what i was going through was punishment from god for not going to church or if i should start going back to church in hopes of becoming better. i dont know. not really sure.
• had a really yummy dinner with aaron. really trying these days to eat as much as i can bc i need all the energy i can get and im really not eating enough. it takes a lot of effort to eat.